note: this blog includes references to myself as fat. It also includes references to the fact that this is not healthy for me. I’m not standing in judgement of myself or anyone else. But if this isn’t a conversation that is healthy for you to engage in, feel free to skip reading this one!
Don’t tell MY coach this, but I’m the fattest I’ve ever been.
I think. I mean, I’m not sure if I’m the heaviest I’ve ever been (scales are one-dimensional and therefore liars, so I don’t look often) but I’m definitely the paunchiest.
It’s been…interesting, to be working on getting my coaching practice going with this fairly visible flaw in my own health.
The year-and-one-quarter since I started studying to be a health coach has been full of dealing with inner garbage. I would have thought that by now the actual physical inner garbage would have moved out–but it’s more the metaphysical garbage that I’ve been focused on.
Which has led me to an interesting place. Because I’m overall more confident in myself, more self-assured.
“Self-assured” is one of those new-fangled words that sounds a bit pampered. “Great job having endless hubris! So glad this world’s critique (however well deserved) hasn’t got you down.”
That’s a lie. For most of us, building our self-confidence and assurance is dirty, down-low work that involves digging into the corners of our minds where our ugliest memories are. Things that not only tore us down then, but have been steadily smothering our happiness and ability to express ourselves ever since.
Things like the idea that because I’m bigger than the other kids, I’m not worthy of attention or friendship.
In a way, it’s actually perfect. Right now when I walk down the street with that little bit of a strut from knowing my purpose in life, and having shed the self-impressions that backed me into a corner–people react to me differently.
Maybe I NEEDED to experience this while at my least-svelte, to underscore that change in belief. Obviously, I still have self-doubts or I wouldn’t even be talking about the fact that I’m a fat health coach. But at the same time–I can be hot even when I’m not skinny?